Quotes about humor
41 real sentences about humor, left by people who came before us, from 5th century BC to 1923, oldest first. Each one has its source and the original text.
Confucius 孔子
5th century BC · Lu, Spring and Autumn China · On visiting the small town his pupil Ziyou governed. The joke: rites and music, in a town this small?
The Master went to Wucheng and heard the sound of strings and singing. He broke into a smile and said, "Why use an ox-knife to kill a chicken?"
子之武城，聞弦歌之聲。夫子莞爾而笑，曰：「割雞焉用牛刀？」Analects, book 17 (Yang Huo)
Ziyou (Yan Yan) 言偃
5th century BC · Lu, Spring and Autumn China · He answered his teacher's joke with his teacher's own words
Ziyou answered, "I once heard you say, Master: 'When the gentleman learns the Way he loves others; when the common people learn the Way they are easy to lead.'"
子游對曰：「昔者偃也聞諸夫子曰：『君子學道則愛人，小人學道則易使也。』」Analects, book 17 (Yang Huo)
Confucius 孔子
5th century BC · Lu, Spring and Autumn China · To the pupils standing by. Yan is Ziyou's given name
The Master said, "My friends, Yan is right. What I said just now was only a joke."
子曰：「二三子！偃之言是也。前言戲之耳。」Analects, book 17 (Yang Huo)
Catullus Gaius Valerius Catullus
c. 55 BC · Roman Republic
You will dine well at my house, my Fabullus, in a few days, if the gods are kind to you, if you bring with you a good, big dinner, and do not forget a pretty girl and wine and salt and all the laughter. Bring these, I say, my charming friend, and you will dine well; for your Catullus has a purse full of cobwebs.
Cenabis bene, mi Fabulle, apud me
paucis, si tibi di favent, diebus,
si tecum attuleris bonam atque magnam
cenam, non sine candida puella
et vino et sale et omnibus cachinnis.
haec si, inquam, attuleris, venuste noster,
cenabis bene; nam tui Catulli
plenus sacculus est aranearum.Poem 13
Vespasian Titus Flavius Vespasianus
AD 79 · Roman Empire · Rome made gods of its dead emperors. Suetonius writes that even in fear of death and in the face of danger he never stopped joking
At the very first attack of his illness he said, "Dear me, I think I am becoming a god."
prima quoque morbi accessione: "Vae," inquit, "puto, deus fio."Suetonius, Lives of the Caesars, Vespasian 23
Martial Marcus Valerius Martialis
c. AD 86 · Roman Empire
I do not like you, Sabidius, and I cannot say why. This is all I can say: I do not like you.
Non amo te, Sabidi, nec possum dicere quare:
hoc tantum possum dicere, non amo te.Epigrams 1.32
Martial Marcus Valerius Martialis
c. AD 86 · Roman Empire
The little book you recite, Fidentinus, is mine. But when you recite it badly, it begins to be yours.
Quem recitas meus est, o Fidentine, libellus:
sed male cum recitas, incipit esse tuus.Epigrams 1.38
Martial Marcus Valerius Martialis
c. AD 86 · Roman Empire
Diaulus was lately a doctor; now he is an undertaker. What he does as an undertaker, he did as a doctor too.
Nuper erat medicus, nunc est vispillo Diaulus:
quod vispillo facit, fecerat et medicus.Epigrams 1.47
Martial Marcus Valerius Martialis
c. AD 94 · Roman Empire
You admire only the old poets, Vacerra, and praise none but the dead. Forgive me, Vacerra, but it is not worth dying just to please you.
Miraris veteres, Vacerra, solos
nec laudas nisi mortuos poetas.
Ignoscas petimus, Vacerra: tanti
non est, ut placeam tibi, perire.Epigrams 8.69
Pliny the Younger Gaius Plinius Caecilius Secundus
late 1st century · Roman Empire · He had laid on a lettuce apiece, three snails, two eggs and honeyed wine chilled with snow; his friend had gone to a house that served oysters and sea urchins
Look here! You promise to come to dinner and then do not come? Sentence is passed: you shall pay back the cost to the last penny, and it is no small sum.
Heus tu! Promittis ad cenam, nec venis? Dicitur ius: ad assem impendium reddes, nec id modicum.Letters 1.15, to Septicius Clarus
Wang Fanzhi 王梵志
c. 7th century · Tang China · Worn seam-side out, a sock looks worse and feels better
I, Fanzhi, wear my socks inside out, and everyone says it is wrong. I would sooner offend your eyes than hurt my own feet.
梵志翻著襪，人皆道是錯。
乍可刺你眼，不可隱我腳。A poem of Wang Fanzhi, as quoted and handed down by Huang Tingjian of the Song
Su Shi 蘇軾
c. 1071 · Song China · Teasing his tall younger brother Su Zhe, then a schoolmaster in Chenzhou (Wanqiu)
The teacher of Wanqiu is as tall as a hill; the school of Wanqiu is as small as a boat. He bends his head all day reciting classics and histories, and when he suddenly yawns and stretches, the roof hits his head.
宛丘先生長如丘，宛丘學舍小如舟。
常時低頭誦經史，忽然欠伸屋打頭。"Teasing Ziyou"
Xin Qiji 辛棄疾
late 12th century · Song China
Cup, come here. This morning your old master looked his body over. For years I have been thirsty, my throat like a scorched pot; now I only want to sleep, and my breath comes like thunder.
杯汝來前，老子今朝，點檢形骸。
甚長年抱渴，咽如焦釜，於今喜睡，氣似奔雷。To the tune "Spring in the Garden of Qin": resolving to give up drink, I warn the wine cup to keep away
Xin Qiji 辛棄疾
late 12th century · Song China
Here is my word to you: do not linger, be gone at once. I still have strength enough to smash you. The cup bowed twice and said, "Wave me away and I go. Call me and I must come."
與汝成言，勿留亟退，吾力猶能肆汝杯。
杯再拜，道麾之即去，招則須來。To the tune "Spring in the Garden of Qin": resolving to give up drink, I warn the wine cup to keep away; the closing lines
Yoshida Kenko 兼好
c. 1330 · late Kamakura Japan · The holy man Shokai had led a party on a pilgrimage to the Izumo shrine in Tamba
The stone lion and guardian dog before the shrine stood back to back, facing the wrong way. The holy man was deeply moved. "How wonderful! The way this lion stands is most unusual. There must be a profound reason," he said, his eyes filling with tears. "Gentlemen, have you not noticed this marvel? That is too bad of you."
御前なる獅子・狛犬、背きて、後ろさまに立ちたりければ、上人いみじく感じて、「あなめでたや。この獅子の立ちやう、いとめづらし。深きゆゑあらむ。」と涙ぐみて、「いかに殿ばら、殊勝のことは御覧じとがめずや。むげなり。」Tsurezuregusa (Essays in Idleness), section 236
Yoshida Kenko 兼好
c. 1330 · late Kamakura Japan · The holy man had called over a grave, knowing-looking priest and asked to be told the tradition behind the way the lions were placed
"Ah, that. Some naughty children did it. It is really too bad," he said, and he went up, set them right, and walked away. The holy man's tears of awe had been for nothing.
「そのことに候ふ。さがなき童べどもの、つかまつりける、奇怪に候ふことなり。」とて、さし寄りて、すゑ直して往にければ、上人の感涙いたづらになりにけり。Tsurezuregusa (Essays in Idleness), section 236, the ending
William Shakespeare
c. 1598 · England · When his brother urges patience on him in his grief over his daughter
For there was never yet philosopher That could endure the toothache patiently, However they have writ the style of gods And made a push at chance and sufferance.
Much Ado About Nothing, Act 5, scene 1, spoken by Leonato
William Shakespeare
c. 1598 · England
I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.
Much Ado About Nothing, Act 1, scene 1, spoken by Beatrice
Zhang Chao 張潮
1690s · Qing China
Flies gather on people's faces and mosquitoes bite people's skin. What on earth do they take people for!
蠅集人面，蚊嘬人膚，不知以人爲何物！Dream Shadows (Youmengying)
Chen Kangchou 陳康疇
1690s · Qing China
They must be begging monks reborn. All they have in mind is alms.
應是頭陀轉世，意中但求布施也。A comment attached to this passage in Dream Shadows
You Tong 尤侗
1690s · Qing China
It only shows that human flesh and blood are fit for flies and mosquitoes to chew. To us it is a person; to a fly or a mosquito, how is it different from anything rank and rotting!
正以人之血肉只堪供蠅蚊咀嚼耳。以我視之，人也；自蠅蚊視之，何異腥膻臭腐乎！A comment attached to this passage in Dream Shadows
Gong Xian 龔賢
1690s · Qing China
Things that cannot go into a painting: pigs, money, and nasty young men.
物之不可入畫者，豬也，阿堵物也，惡少年也。A comment attached to this passage in Dream Shadows
Jane Austen
September 5, 1796 · England
Mr. Richard Harvey is going to be married; but as it is a great secret, and only known to half the neighborhood, you must not mention it.
Letter to her sister Cassandra
Jane Austen
1813 · England · While reading his daughter a letter full of absurd gossip
For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our turn?
Pride and Prejudice, chapter 57, spoken by Mr. Bennet
Jane Austen
1813 · England
I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine.
Pride and Prejudice, chapter 5, spoken by Elizabeth
Jeong Yakyong 丁若鏞
1832 · Joseon Korea
One of an old man's pleasures: a game of go now and then with a guest or a friend. I always pick the weakest player and shake my head to dodge the strong.
老人一快事 時與賓朋奕
必求最拙手 掉頭避強敵Yeoyudang jeonseo, "An Old Man's Pleasures," sixth poem
Henry David Thoreau
1854 · Massachusetts, USA
I have a great deal of company in my house; especially in the morning, when nobody calls.
Walden, "Solitude"
Abraham Lincoln
October 19, 1860 · Illinois, USA · To an eleven-year-old who had written that he would win more votes if he grew a beard
As to the whiskers, having never worn any, do you not think people would call it a piece of silly affectation if I were to begin it now?
Letter to Grace Bedell
Lewis Carroll
1865 · Oxford, England
‘But I don’t want to go among mad people,’ Alice remarked. ‘Oh, you can’t help that,’ said the Cat: ‘we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.’
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, chapter 6
Jerome K. Jerome
1889 · London, England
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me: the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.
Three Men in a Boat, chapter 15
Jerome K. Jerome
1889 · London, England · Leafing through a medical book at the library, where he had gone to look up the treatment for a slight ailment
I plodded conscientiously through the twenty-six letters, and the only malady I could conclude I had not got was housemaid’s knee.
Three Men in a Boat, chapter 1
Jerome K. Jerome
1889 · London, England
I had walked into that reading-room a happy, healthy man. I crawled out a decrepit wreck.
Three Men in a Boat, chapter 1
Oscar Wilde
1892 · Ireland · Britain
I can resist everything except temptation.
Lady Windermere's Fan, Act 1, spoken by Lord Darlington
Mark Twain
1894 · Missouri, USA · Connecticut
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
Pudd'nhead Wilson, epigraph to chapter 8, from "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Mark Twain
1894 · Missouri, USA · Connecticut
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
Pudd'nhead Wilson, a chapter epigraph from "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Mark Twain
1894 · Missouri, USA · Connecticut
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Pudd'nhead Wilson, a chapter epigraph from "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Oscar Wilde
1895 · Ireland · Britain
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 2, spoken by Gwendolen
Mark Twain
1897 · Missouri, USA · Connecticut
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
Following the Equator, epigraph to chapter 7, from "Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar"
Saito Ryokuu 斎藤緑雨
1900 · Meiji Japan · That is, writing will not keep you fed
Consider: the pen is one, and chopsticks are two. Know that the few are no match for the many.
按ずるに筆は一本也、箸は二本也。衆寡敵せずと知るべし。"Seigan hakuto"
Natsume Soseki 夏目漱石
1906 · Meiji–Taisho Japan · He goes on to explain: a classmate had jeered that for all his big talk he would never dare jump from there
Thanks to a recklessness inherited from my parents, I have been losing out ever since I was a child. In primary school I once jumped from the second floor of the school and could not stand up straight for a week.
親譲りの無鉄砲で小供の時から損ばかりしている。小学校に居る時分学校の二階から飛び降りて一週間ほど腰を抜かした事がある。Botchan, the opening
Akutagawa Ryunosuke 芥川龍之介
1923 · Taisho Japan
A fool always takes everyone but himself for a fool.
阿呆はいつも彼以外の人人を悉く阿呆と考えている。Words of a Dwarf (Shuju no kotoba)
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